Thursday, April 15, 2010

Facing The Beast

How can I write about something if I myself cannot even do it? If I let my red dragon tail twist and bend, knocking over buildings and my prized statues and half built friendships? How can I even begin to instruct? To write?
I hold it in my mind for less than a second. Its concept a small flickering flame in the tidal wave of oily black liquid and molten rage. I know what to do, I have heard about it so many times, I have practiced it in the quiet of my bedroom for months every morning, but when I see the tip of reality, when I encounter the real-life moment begin to blow and the filaments inside that hold me up begin to burn, then I run.
Running takes many forms. There are the tears, the ones that lately have become giant orbs of rage seeking to destroy myself and others. The visions of metal flying, sirens wailing, crushed bones and rivers of blood.
There is the hiding. The rage that wafts like air through wall and carpet, the absence of words the only mark of strangeness. The seed of resentment I hold on to for days, years.
Holding and holding, stroking, watering, kissing. I keep it mine, reminding myself of it when all is well, and then I remember, and then I’m mad once again. Cold with fear and rage. Closed as a cement box.
I see it all. It is not right. I am under no delusion of pureness, authority. I see the error in my words, in my steps, in my gestures that signify more than my tongue could ever spit, but they keep coming, for this beast is wild. It lacks a master. I am the beast.
So how can I write about it? What can I say if I watch the city burn, the statues crumbles, the houses cave? I watch, hating the terror, but doing nothing to stop the flames.
I feel three threads, tugging. Around one nipple is the Voyeur, watching it all melt. Around the other is the Mender, seeing it as pettiness, knowing it should end.
But around my heart is the braided rope, holding on to the pain. It holds its indignant head high, feeling righteous, waving its colored flag.
I feel them all, yet I sit paralyzed; not acting, not changing, letting the center rope pull me to the grave.

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